QUESTION:
My child continues to sneak treats that she knows she is not allowed to have. She is 8 years old. She will climb on the counter and sneak chocolate chips that are saved for baking. She has went into my bedroom to sneak a special hidden treat that I was given as a gift and already shared part of with her. When she is talked to about this, she is not remorseful and acts like she has done nothing wrong. When her father talked to her about it she looked at me mockingly and shook her back end at me. I believe in Gentle Parenting. A respectful/non-punitive style. What can I do to address this sneaky behavior and lack of remorse?
ANSWER:
This is a great question that many parents with children that age deal with. I am so glad you asked. I truly appreciate your parenting style as it is proactive rather than reactive. It is essential to set boundaries and it sounds like you have. That being said; I remember a time when my granddaughter, Dinah was acting in a similar way. There was always plenty for her to eat, but she consistently would sneak into what was off limits. Sedwik was very frustrated and it sounds like you are too. I reminded Sedwik that it is important to look behind the behavior. It could be that your daughter is feeling helpless and out of control. Sneaking treats is an easy way for her to feel like she can control something. Her lack of remorse and disrespect towards you is most likely a self defense.
I always say, "Let's get to the root of it." I know you love your daughter or you wouldn't be asking for help. I have found that these behaviors are usually driven by a feeling of not having enough love.
This reminds me of the time Sedwik began teaching Dinah about Seeds. Luke 8:11.
"Jesus said that words are seeds", he began.
Dinah was obsessed with figs. She loved them. Dinah asked, "What kind of seed, Papa?"
Sedwik explained, "That is up to you, my dear,"
"How? she asked.
"You see Dinah, the kind of seeds depends on the kind of words we speak. The seeds will reproduce after their own kind." Genesis 1:29
Of course Dinah wanted to plant fig seeds. Sedwik asked her, "What happens when you plant fig seeds?" "A fig tree grows up and we get to eat figs!" Dinah said laughing.
Sedwik continued, "So, if you sow a kind word, then what happens?"
"Kindness grows and I bet it tastes good like a fig." Dinah answered.
Let me ask you this. If you showed your daughter love by giving her pomegranates because you love them and you kept giving her them over and over, but you found out that she doesn't like them, do you think she would feel loved? You were showing her love, but to her, it didn't feel like it. We all give and receive love differently. Observe your daughter and watch how she shows love to her father or sibling. This is most likely her language. Take some time and intentionally speak her language as often as you can.
Next listen to your daughter. Ask her how she would feel if her sibling had snuck into her things without asking and ate her treats. Listen to her response. Then ask her if she was trying to make you feel that way. Again, listen. If she was trying to hurt you, calmly ask her why and listen. Be patient. She may not understand why. She most likely wasn't trying to hurt you.
Ask her if she can think of a different way that would be fair to everyone.
Ask her if she would like to help with the grocery list and meal plan. This may help her feel a little more in control of something. Let her choose one night and help her list the needed ingredients. This is not a fix all solution. Their may be other things in play. I encourage you to listen not to respond, but to hear and receive what she is saying. Start speaking her language. True respect is not possible without love.
Maybe she likes figs! All jokes aside, Gary Chapman wrote several books on this topic that I highly recommend. The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively. Thank you for asking and keep up the good work, Mom.